Day 6 - It wasn't really Bejeweled.

In fact, it was a facebook application known to all and used by some: Sorority Life. Yes, my roommate plays Sorority Life. I've been living under the false pretense that my roommate played Bejeweled, something I could possibly live with, something that wasn't entirely embarrassing (to either of us... Kinda). But no, my roommate plays Sorority Life. What fuckery is this?!??!?! Every time I see a Sorority Life update on facebook I just want to gouge my eyes out with one of Heidi Klum's beautiful lucite heels. So my roommate has three things going off at once at this moment: Sorority Life dinging, Avril Lavigne, and her mexican cell phone ringtone. I'm just trying to sit here and do my biopsychology notes (meth causes erectile dysfunction!) but I can't learn about the wonders of drugs and their effects on my brain receptors because my roommate, who is in need of a brain transplant, can't fucking turn off the fucking sound on her computer. YES, THE TRUTH COMES OUT: My roommate is a girl. She sucks so bad. She was on varsity swim team and she looks like a beached whale unsuccessfully trying to lose weight with a combination of crack-cocaine and cigarettes.

A blue whale could knock out a radio tower.

Day 5 - Bedazzled isn't a game. Bejeweled is. It also sucks really bad.

I'm stuck on this math problem for about two hours. It takes me this long to get the same (wrong) answer over and over, until I finally realize that I had to subtract it from a number that was right in front of my face to get the real answer. I can't tell if it took that long because I'm tired, hungry, or gassy, but I'm pretty sure something that didn't contribute to my work was my roommate (surprise!). My roommate comes home and blasts some of those songs you hear in car commercials: "Everyday is a winding road!" and plays them over and over. I've gotten used to the winding road by now, but something that gets me every time is my roommates inability to mute facebook games. All I hear is my roommate playing fucking BEJEWELED for days, with incessant dings ringing throughout the dorm as if it were a large cave filled with many, many zubats. They'd go on a rampage and a Wild Zubat would appear every two steps I took and I'd never be able to catch a Gravel... Graveller because of those stupid bitch zubat shits!!!!! Anyway, my roommate is good at bejeweled, at least I think so, because I keep hearing those successful dinging noises every time a move is correct. It's also louder than the music so most of it sounds like "Every-DING is a DING-DING-DING-DING-DING-DING-DING-DING!" OH GOD!!! MY ROOMMATE JUST WALKED IN! Ok, my roommate is gone. Anyway, that's what happens and that's why I don't finish my math homework for six hours. I wish my roommate had a bedazzler instead. It would be so much cooler. I would decorate myself to look like that gay guy from American Idol.



The guy on the right is just way too into this.

Day 4 - The Smacking of Lips... Among other noises

You know that whistling sound a tea kettle makes when it's ready? I'm talking about the old-school tea kettles not the new age shit on a heating pad thing. I don't even know what it's called. I feel so old. Have you ever heard somebody's nose make that sound? I don't mean the full on whistle, but that initial, faint and weak whistle o the teapot. I was sitting in my math class the other day next to a dumb fucker who obviously doesn't know how to blow his nose. Every time he breathed in I heard a faint whistle coming from his nose. I could practically see the boogers solidifying, creating a beautiful, crystalline passageway through his nose hairs. It was disgusting and I spent the entire hour of class sitting there getting more annoyed with each passing breath.

That wasn't about my roommate at all, but it really pissed me off.
This morning I woke up to the sound of lips smacking. It wasn't even one smack. It was multiple series of smacks. It was like 6 smacks per set and 3 sets of smacks. It was 7:15 am and I was snoozing away. But then it was like...
Slurp... Smack... Smack... I can't even reproduce what it sounds like. I think this calls for a picture of smacking lips. In any case, it was pretty gross and it didn't end for about 30 - 45 seconds. This also happens every morning. God... Just think about waking up to the sound of somebody's moist, fat lips smacking together.
On the other hand, look at this cute Asian baby smack his/her lips:

Day 3 Cont. - I saw the poop

I never thought it would happen. I came home from a very fulfilling day, which consisted of: buying an umbrella, eating food, and badminton. And math homework. And the first thing I do when I come home is take a big, fat, shower. I enter the bathroom that me and my two roommates share (only one of them was home.. yes, the mormon). My other roommate had been gone all day. And I walk into the bathroom with my clothes, ready to relax and feel squeaky and clean (not just squeaky clean). Suddenly... I notice something. Something foul is in the air. Something is amiss in this tiny cell I call a bathroom. And I slowly look to the left. And slowly, I look down. And slowly my jaw drops into a resounding "o" shape... There it is, sitting innocently on the bottom of the toilet... Surrounded by floaty bits of toilet paper. I felt the contents of my stomach trying to escape through my mouth. I quickly stifle the feeling and immediately flush the toilet. I still can't help but gag at the thought of my roommates non-flushed poop. There were even streaks. I took a shower, but I still feel dirty.

At least my roommate gets their vitamins (poop that floats means you don't have enough vitamins).

Day 3 - I can hear my roommate poop

For those unlucky bastards out there who have to share a dorm bathroom with an entire floor of your gender (and sometimes a sneaky member of the opposite sex), I would like to let you all know, I have my own bathroom. A bathroom that I share with my two roommates. It's pretty damn nice, and I won't get ringworm or something when I use the bathroom. Most unfortunately, while I won't get ringworm or crabs, I do get a nice sample of my roommate's digestive noises. Speaking of poop (I can say this because poop was mentioned in the title of this post), somebody pooped in the communal bathroom's shower stall on the floor below mine. I don't know how these things happen, because shower stalls hardly look like a toilet. They don't even look like an oversized toilet or anything, because these showers are showers not showers/baths. They're just showers. Showers to poop in when you feel like it (sober or not). In any case, I find it hard to concentrate on my math homework with my roommate pooping right next door. I'll spare you the details, but I think the population can generally agree that hearing any sort of bathroom related noise is usually unfortunate and unwanted. It's not even like I can excuse a failed math grade on the fact that my roommate poops a lot. I wish I could tell my math teacher and get a good grade: "I didn't do my homework because my roommate was pooping." "POOPING YOU SAY?!?!" "Yes, pooping." "Well why didn't you say so earlier? 4.0's for everyone!" And then I'd be really popular (poopular) among my classmates.

The only time pooping has been not gross was the one time I saw my betta fish poop. He just looked so happy.

Day 2... Sort Of

I tend to go home for the weekends, so unfortunately I don't get to bask in the holy glow of my roommate's divine aura. But luckily today is Monday, so I got to come back (not seeing my roommate for awhile has sure given me withdrawal symptoms). I forgot all of the wonderful things I was missing out on: incessant burping and Avril Lavigne. My roommate also has three giant drawers full of candy. It's pretty unhealthy because I'm pretty sure my roommate lives off of gingerbread houses* and symphony bars. My roommate likes to laugh loudly to television shows that s/he watches on the computer. I guess I haven't been around much yet this week, but hopefully it will be not-annoying. But there is a really good chance it will be.


*Not just the gingerbread of the gingerbread houses. Includes: green icing, white icing, yellow icing, gumdrops, and a sad gingerbread man glued to the roof of the gingerbread house. He's a poor soul. My roommate also made the lawn of the gingerbread house green. What a terribly un-spirited house. My roommate isn't even clever enough to incorporate gummy bears as people making snowmen out of mini-marshmallows with eyes made of different colored icing. All my roommate could do was paste a gingerbread man on the roof (not even standing up or doing something cool. It was just laying on the roof). Maybe it was tanning. Because gingerbread houses = summertime...**

**I think my * paragraph was longer than my actual paragraph.

Amendment to Day 1 - I messed up and it hasn't been 5 minutes yet.

Time to include an exclusion I forgot on accident of what happened today! I guess by now it's friday. So yesterday! as in Day 1!

I'm slowly learning.

Today (Yesterday, Day 1): At about 9:30 PM my roommate comes home from whatever Church-like activities they were up to today (yesterday). They spend the next hour doing whatever they were doing very clumsily, dropping things and making loud noises. I wouldn't have been bothered except for the fact that my roommate is very vocal and makes unpleasant and slightly-sexual sounding (only to my perverted brain, I'm sure) noises whenever they drop something or knock something over. And then they make an "Ehhhh," sort of noise which is a bit high-pitched. Think of... a goblin saying the word "Egg." Well I guess that was the first thing that came to mind for me because I play a lot of video games. Um... Think of a sort of I-have-flem-in-my-throat mixed with Justin Bieber's soon-to-exist-voice-cracks sound and that's what my roommate sounds like when they say the word (or sound) "ehhh." It's not even like "Eh" as in "EY" as in CANADIANS but just "Eh" as in "Eh." It's disappointing. And then they went to bed at 10:30 despite having a class at 10:30 tomorrow morning. And I have class at 9:30 and I'm up writing this and doing math homework that isn't due for another week.

I suck.